Dribs and Drabs

I have only been back to blogging for a few posts, and here I come with the bullets. I am a lazy blogger, but I don't have anything that would make a whole, real post.

**Our house guest has moved on after working a bit at Sweetheart's job site. It wasn't permanent, but it gave him a little boost. I don't know if he will come back at a future date, but he may. Actually, he was as easy to have around as anyone could have been, but I wasn't sorry that he was gone.

**I finally got the prescription thing straightened out and have all my drugs. So, not going off the deep end any time soon.

**I have been waking up early enough in the morning to eat a bowl of oatmeal before I leave for work. This has never happened to me in my life. I think having a regular schedule instead of one that changes week to week is a positive thing for me. I still feel tired more than I would like, but I think that is improving.

**I saw the movies alone this morning. I saw Amelia, about Amelia Earhart. I enjoyed it, but it was somewhat slow in parts. The theater was huge, and while carrying my brunch of popcorn and milk duds, I actually walked into the wrong theater. It was still in the previews, but I was a bit surprised to see just two men in the seats. Fortunately, I went and double checked before Saw IV came on the screen!

**I almost decided not to give out candy this Halloween, but finally gave in and bought two bags today. I haven't yet opened any of it, and the leftovers will be rushed off to work early Monday morning.


Have a happy and safe Halloween!

I never really thought about how hard it was

You know the people who work at the doctor's office? The ones who open the door holding a chart? The ones to whom you look with eyes begging that they call your name? The ones who take your blood pressure and temperature and leave you stranded waiting for the doctor to come into the room?

I learned how to be one of those today. Or at least I halfway learned how to be one of those. The calling names is easy. Blood pressures? Also easy. Taking temperatures?? Easiest of all. All the other shit one must do to make sure you call the right names at the right times, have the right chart for the right patient, updating stuff in the computer so everyone else knows what room what patient is in and what needs to happen next?? Nerve wracking. How crazy is that? All I know is that I will try very hard not to think anyone has an easy job without sufficient information again.

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention pulling down the roll of paper that cover the examination table in between patients. Doing it is easy, remmebering to it--not so much.

Drugs

I had a lovely evening yesterday after I tried to pick up my prescriptions. The woman at the drugstore said it was going to be a thousand dollars and some change. Turns out that previous job (instead of continuing my benefit through the end of the month like every single other job I have ever left) cut off my prescription benefit as of the last day I worked. Seven PM on a Friday is never a great time to try to figure out something like this.

The meds in question are for my depression/anxiety. I am finally on a cocktail that seems to be working fairly well. I figure the last thing I need is to start having panic attacks while I am trying to do my new job. That would go over exceptionally well, wouldn't it?

I called the member number on the back of the card, and found out they don't have a particular policy about when coverage ends, they just end it when the benefits people tell them to do so. I muddled through a bunch of my new hire stuff trying to find out which company was carrying my new prescription coverage. It is already in effect, but I do not have a card to give the pharmacy. If I had a thousand bucks to pay now, I would get reimbursed, but who the hell has that kind of money lying around? Certainly not me. I managed to call the company, but my information is not yet in their computer (no surprise). So, I got three days worth of drugs at the cost of $110 (also an amount I don't really have lying around currently).

Monday, I will talk to benefits and beg my doctor to me some samples of at least one of my meds to get me through. In the middle of all the goings on, I called my dad who is retired from HR. His HR expertise wasn't what helped, but turns out that he was prescribed the same anti depressant I was and it didn't agree with him. He's sending them to me in the mail to arrive on Tuesday. That will get me to the point that I can figure something else out.

Overwhelming

That's the best single word I can use to describe my new job. I think I am going to like it, but I also think it is different than I initially thought.

It is going to be much more supervisory and less patient care. I can deal with that. I think I have good skills managing people, and the group seems to be a good one. I'm sure there will be challenges, but I am up for it.

I am currently learning to do the job that I will be doing and that the people I supervise already do. I have never been in that situation before. The computer system is complicated and less than user friendly in a number of circumstances. Thank goodness I am not afraid of computers or I might have cried already.

There was one slightly awkward moment when a nurse I had met 2 minutes before came up to me and said, "Here's the only important question. Are you a christian?" In case I haven't mentioned it here, I am not. I could tell that would not be the best answer. I ended up just saying that I did not go to church, but that I tried to live my life in an ethical and moral way. I guess that was a bit of a copout, but I think it was the answer that made the most sense. Next week is less computer time, and getting ready for the accreditation inspection that takes place the following week. I just hope I remember my password when it is next time to get on the computer.

What my sister won't get around to posting

My nine-year-old niece got into a bit of trouble at school last week. Then she had the following conversation with my father when he tried to talk to her about it.

Punkin Head: I don't want to talk about that.
Grandaddy: Well, when will you feel like talking about it?
Punkin Head: Just before the apocalypse.

I laughed my ass off.

Visitors

I will attempt to make this something other than a "why I am glad to be leaving my job" blog--though this is much on my mind. I am now at the 3 day countdown.

We have a house guest for the foreseeable future. Sweetheart has a friend who has become down on his luck to the point of homelessness. He has been living in his car or a tent for the past many months. He is now living in our spare bedroom.

I find it interesting that I have mixed feelings about this. I am more than happy to help someone who needs a bit of a leg up. He is a nice guy and not one single bit of trouble to have around. However, I am less than social in my general life. We don't have parties, and we rarely go to them. We are homebodies--me even more than Sweetheart. I come home from work, put on my pajamas, eat dinner in front of the television, sit on the computer, take a bath and go to bed. With company, I have to stay dressed and be conversational for far longer amounts of time than I am accustomed to. It also feels weird having a guest of indeterminate length. That seems incredibly selfish to me that I feel even a bit put out by having to do those two things. I suppose some of it has to do with the fact that I am not necessarily in my best frame of mind currently.

The bottom line is that I have no problem having him here. I want to be generous and help somebody who needs a bit of help. I am fortunate that I have plenty of family that if I lose my job and end up with no money, I will be a long way from living in a tent. I should remember this and be thankful on a more regular basis.

Not making me regret my decision

Today's work day was actually a good one, but there was enough UBS* to reconfirm my decision to leave.

I continue to be amazed at the prejudiced views held by so many. I am even more surprised by the fact that people continue to express these views.

I came to work today to hear a co-worker bitch and moan about this and that and then said, "This is off the record, but I am so tired of working with black people--there is too much drama." I replied that I felt all people were capable of drama and that I didn't think any group had a corner of the market. She went on to complain about many other assorted things that suck about our job and that she feels "stuck" there.

I never know how to handle it when people say such absurd things. I don't ever want to be silent and let it be assumed that I am in agreement. However, I don't really want to start fights with co-workers, no matter how short-lived the relationship will be. I am left feeling like I didn't say enough.

I don't think that my new position will be free from difficult people. However, I am super tired of the difficult ones I have been with the past 2 years.

*UBS=Unnecessary Bullshit, unlike the kind that just comes with the job. My father coined the phrase--he's retired from human resources.

Pluttification tables**

Sweetheart and Brownie are working on multiplication and division. It hurts my head just to listen to them. I can be incredibly patient about some things, but he has me beat on this one. I think the problem is that they don't teach them the same way we learned. He just told her to "carry the 3," and she asked, "But where am I carrying it?"

**I got the title from a book, but my sister might even not know where.**

Changes

There used to be a blogger who wrote here on a fairly regular basis. Then she went away into a hidey hole for many months. We'll see if this comeback has teeth or not. I'm unwilling to commit beyond trying. If I used to read your blog and comment. I have still been reading. The commenting has been as sparse as the writing.

Things here have not been the greatest. I remain homesick for Atlanta to the point of tears. I have continued to be very unhappy with my job...the kind of unhappy that makes my stomach hurt and puts me near a panic attack during commute time. Both of these things have put strains on my marriage--to the point of discussing the possibility of me moving back to Atlanta without Sweetheart on some kind of trial basis. I hope to avoid further discussions of that sort.

I finally realized that I was unhappy to the point of no return at work when I got in trouble for tardiness. I was generally not more than a few minutes late, but late is late. I mean, who gets pulled into the office for being tardy?? Only people who don't care, are unprofessional, and generally slackers. I don't consider myself to be any of those. It was a wakeup call for me to realize that hitting the snooze button one more time was so important that I was being late on a regular basis. I cared so little about my job and my professional behavior. I also realized that I was uncomfortable at work. Even though I have been there almost 2 years, I never got to the point where things were second nature. I overthought and obsessed over decisions on a daily basis. I questioned myself about things I did and didn't do. I managed to get my ass in gear and update my resume.

I started looking around for a new job, and I have gotten one. I don't think it is the dream job of the century, but I think it is a really good job that will fit me and my strengths well. I will be working in a clinic in the Spine and Neurology departments--assisting the physicians and supervising several other nurses. I turned in my notice yesterday, and the feedback has been interesting. My supervivors have been called, "a trio of monkeys." People seem to wish that they were the ones leaving. Virtually nobody has asked me why I am leaving. The environment at that job is toxic, and there are a few saving graces (the 8 hour shifts, the money and the coworkers), but not enough.

I already feel better about life in general. I know that even good change is hard, and I'm ready for it. I'm ready to work someplace where people appreciate me. I'm ready to work for managers who are less quick to point fingers than they are to help figure out WHY something wrong. I'm ready not to have to take holiday and weekend call. I'm not really ready for the making of less money, but I am looking forward to having less stress. I looking forward to continuing to work hard and to being challenged by my work. However, I am also looking forward to thinking making it to work is a better option than wrecking my car.

I'm hitting post without editing this one. I know it is a bit stream of consciousness, but that's where I am right now.

I have missed blogging and commenting. I hope to be doing more of both.

Random thoughts

Why Am I awake at 1:30 in the morning?

Why do so many people wish to make sure I get Ashes even though I am not religious?

Why doesn't girl scout cookie season last longer?

Why do I have too many cats?

What happens when you un friend someone on Facebook? Do they get a huge note saying I hate them?

Who will make it through to the next phase of American Idol?

What will happen at the next counseling session--I hate the work, but I know it is necessary.

To the guy at the drugstore--

Good for you on the protection, but yes, I did snicker to myself when I saw you buying two packs of Starbursts and a box of condoms.

This blogging thing is a bit weird

I was so diligent for a while, and then not so much. I was actually glad to see it had been just over a month since I blogged. FOr all I knew it could have been three months. I hope a few of you are still out there. If not, I fthink it's good for me to write anyway.

You see, I have hit something of a rock bottom lately, and I haven't been wanting to work, blog, brush my teeth or get out of bed lately. I have been working with a psychiatrist on medication for my anxiety/depression for 2 1/2 years now, and we just can't seem to find the right cocktail.

Lately I have reached a conclusion of some sorts. I am so homesick for Atlanta that I am having trouble functioning. I very willingly and happily left Atlanta to move to Houston to be with my Sweetheart. I left a job I adored, my Poppa. my brother and sister, nieces and nephews who are now doubled in number from the time that I left. I'm not saying this to be a hero--I WANTED to do this--so I did.

I came to a city that feels so conservative to me. I came to a city that I didn't know, and it didn't know me. I have still not made any real friends. I have nobody to have a drink and see a chick movie with. My job is a job not a home-away-from-home. I think on the way to work that having a fender bender would be better than having to show up. I came to a job of Stepmother that has been so much harder than I ever thought it would (and I swear, I knew it would be hard).

Sweetheart knows that I am feeling this way, and couldn't be more supportive. He wants me to be happy--no matter what that means. He is trying so hard to deal with a wife who doesn't want to get out of bed (and not in a good way). However, it is too much responsibility for him to be my only lifeline. He shouldn't be having to figure out how to sell the house to free up money for me to move (even temporarily) back to Atlanta.

I went to a counselor Saturday, and despite not wanting to like her, I did. She had the look of an aging hippie and took off her shoes during the session. She asked questions that seemed pertinent and reasonable to this therapy wise patient. She recognizes that this is the kind of spiral that is tough to pull out of and she laid off the platitudes. She wants to try EMDR--Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. It is different that the cognitive talk therapy I have done in the past, and I think that's a good thing. She thinks I have triggered a bunch of feelings from my childhood that have made everything worse. Since I started sobbing when she said that, I have to believe there is some truth there.

So, here I go. On a journey that is not going to be fun, but will result in a wiser, saner Sophie in the end. If you guys are still around, I'd love to know it. I'm going to read some blogs for the first time in ages--for all I know you could have been gone just as long as I have. I'm sure my sister has.

Well, so I suck as a blogger

My poor puppy...

...and my poorer bank account.

Spencer went to the vet today to have his leg examined. He had to have surgery on his right leg a couple of years ago, and now it is his left ACL.

Since Spencer is a bit (meaning very) neurotic, he freaks out when we go to the vet. He whines, he cries, he paces in circles. He growls at the dog who comes up to him (off leash even though the signs says to keep your dog on a leash).

Then, we go into the small room where he tries unsuccessfully to climb into my lap in a very small chair. His vet comes out and has grown a beard since last we visited. He takes a quick look at Spencer and agrees with my at home diagnosis. Yes, he should still have surgery even though he is getting up in age. Yes, it is expensive ($1400). No, we don't have a budgeted billing option. All of these things are said with the voice of Joel Osteen the Giant Church pastor here in Houston.

All I can think is "Oh, holy fucking shit." We totally cannot afford this, but what do you do when you have a pet?

In order to take x-rays of my neurotic dog, sedatives were required. Domitor is evidently the drug of choice. I picked up my pooch an hour and a half later, and he was still drugged up. He wobbled to the car, and I had to lift him up into the back seat. He laid his head in the girls' laps (which is another sign of the apocalypse) and fell asleep. I carried him into the house and placed him gently on his bed. He was drooling and his mouth was hanging open. If I hadn't had the girls with me, I swear I would have sat down and cried. I knew he was going to be okay, but it was too much like he was really sick and weak.

He has since perked up, had a drink and a milk bone, and will soon be back to his fucked-up-can-I-go-out-can-I-come-in-can-I-come-in-can-I-go-out insanity. I guess we'll figure something out about the money.