The new digs are set up

I have moved the blog to a new url, and I do not plan on redirecting from here. Since My husband and i are separated, a little distance felt right. I emailed all 5 of you the url, but if you want it and didn't get it please shoot me an email from the address you want me to send it to. (I'm sure the english major sis would have a field day with that sentence.) I seem to be incapable of extracting your emails from a comment.

Take care, all, and see you at the new place.

House cleaning

I am among the world's worst bloggers. I think I need to blog more often just because, and that it will be good for me as I muddle through the changes in front of me.

However, I think I am going to move sites again. I will email the 4 of you who I think would like to know where I am going, but please leave a comment if you would like to be included. My husband knows I am moving, and he understands that I need a bit of separation. I have zero intention of writing anything negative about him, but disengaging a bit feels right to me.

One more thing--I have been using bloglines to keep up with the blogs I try hard to read. However, they are going away November 1. Any other sites you guys are happy with??

Thanks for all the support--here and elsewhere. Life goes on, and so will I.

***Updated***Throught the joy of echo comments, this redhead seems unable to an extricate an email address. Please send me yours to mmk262 (at) hotmail (dot) com (Julia, this means you.)

A Little Juju

Please send some prayers, good thought, positive vibes (whichever is your style) to Houston. The girls' mom was life flighted to a trauma center after a fall from a second floor balcony. Last update was only that she was intubated with "about ten doctors working on her." The twins and their stepsister are with my husband as their stepfather and grandmother are at the hospital. I feel terribly guilty not to be there with them as this unfolds. Just shows how we must treasure every day and not take anything for granted. Thanks in advance.

***Update***The news is fairly good so far (given the situation). She has multiple facial fractures and some bleeding on the brain. They will repeat the CT scan and reassess the bleeding tonight to determine if surgery is needed. The girls and Bill are all hanging in there.

Life With Poppa

This past week hasn't really been much fun. I am stresed out, tired, and feeling overwhelmed. I got myself put on blood pressure meds and I survived orientation (barely). I haven't blogged because I don't want to whine. The choices I have made are mine to deal with--and deal with them I will. Many thanks for support here and elsewhere-it truly means so much.

I thought I'd blog on something a bit lighter--moving back in with my father at the age of 45. I moved out of Mother's house 6 months after I graduated from nursing school--23 years ago. It is a bit weird being back with Poppa. I do not mean for any of this to be a complaint--my father has generously offered that I can stay as long as I wish--rent free. I am thankful for this gift. It does come with some amusing side effects, however.

When my aunt and uncle visited last week, my dad slept on the other twin bed in "my" room to give them his room. He left before I did that morning, and then called me to make sure I didn't fall back asleep. I was humored by this. I have been responsible for getting myself to work for many years, but 3 days back with him--he is checking up.

My father hasn't had a pet since he and Mother divorced when I was 8. The way he interacts with Percy and Spencer is highly entertaining--at least to him. He talks/yells at them in a regular voice--not a pet voice. When he found Spencer on his bed--he played the trumpet to make Spencer get off. When I was irritating my father (in a nice way), he took it out on Spencer--by turning the TV up as loud as possible and then going between mute and blast many times. (Spencer was in front of the TV at the time, just minding his own business.)

I asked him if the dishes in the dishwasher were clean or dirty. I didn't get a real answer. His "system" is that he never empties the dishwasher. He uses the dishes from the dishwasher and lets the dirties pile up in the sink. Then he adds those dirty ones to the clean ones and immediately runs it to clean them all.

He was out of town last week, and he texted me at 4am to tell me that Percy had just woken him up. He insists on c alling Percy "he" and "him" because "Percy is a guy's name."

It certainly seems that there are more stories that I sm forgetting at the moment. I wish that someone on FB hadn't already started the page "Shit my dad says."

Struggling

I am really struggling right now. I have made it safely "home." I am starting my new (old) job tomorrow. I was so certain that I made not just the right decision, but the only decision that made sense. I'm still not sleeping well, and I have a mouth full of ulcers that are causing significant pain. My neck seems to be better, thank goodness. I'm just really, really sad and doubting myself. I miss my husband. I miss the girls. I know this is going to take time, and I know it is hard to be positive when I am feeling such physical pain. I just feel really miserable right now. I'm hanging in there, but it really sucks. Here's hoping for a really good week.

The Week

This week is going to be tough. Tomorrow is the last day that I will see the girls. I will try so hard not to break down with them, but it is going to be so hard for me. Wednesday will be the goodbyes at work. Thursday will be the day I drive down the road towards Atlanta. I am so unbelievably sad. I am leaving a man I love very much, and frankly, it stinks. I have tons of support--both near and far, but nobody can take away the parts I have to deal with myself. I know I am strong enough to do this, but I so much wish I didn't have to do it at all.

Blogging From the Airport

Since this airport does not offer free wi-fi, I have no idea how long it has been since I posted. Just that things have been busy and scary and sad and exciting all rolled into one.

I’m at the airport in Houston waiting to get on a flight to my family reunion in Jacksonville, Florida. As is my usual, I am here way too early, but I’d rather wait at the gate than miss my flight due to some traffic or long security lines. I have experienced that “Oh shit, we missed the flight” moment only twice, and I have no need to do it again. Ever.

I am mostly looking forward to the reunion—definitely looking forward to seeing my immediate family and their offspring. The extended family is wonderful, but I know there will be well meaning questions about how I am doing (they are all aware of the impending separation), and I just don’t know if I am up to talking about anything. Last night was terribly sad for me. We went to the girls’ birthday celebration at their mom’s house last night. I think my hubby was surprised that I wanted to go, but I did. It was great to see them all excited about all of their gifts, and their skills of saying thank you” are much improved. However, on the short drive home, tears started rolling down my face. By the time I got inside it was a full fledged sobbing weepfest, and I still hadn’t started packing for my trip. Hubby doesn’t like it when I am upset, and he doesn’t always deal with it very well. Since things are weird between us anyway, we got a little barky with each other. I just am so sad right now. I believe that the decisions that have been made are the right ones, but that certainly doesn’t make them the easy ones. I will see the girls when they visit us Tuesday, and then it is likely that I will never see them again. This breaks my heart. I am still unclear on what exactly they know about what is going on. Hubby has an approach that I don’t really agree with, but I go along with since he is the dad and I am the stepmom. The word divorce hasn’t been said, and I am not even certain that they know that Spencer and I will be leaving next Thursday for good. This makes the goodbye Tuesday even more awkward. I know that there will be ups and downs with this change, and yesterday was certainly one of the downs. Hoping for some ups soon, but I think they will be a while in coming.

Then there is the neck situation. As most of you know, I had a cervical fusion 5 years ago. When I was in Oklahoma for my music festival, I ended up in the ER with severe pain and numbness—I had an MRI which shows significant degenerative changes which will be progressive at the level above my previous surgery. The surgeon said it is nothing that has to be addressed in an urgent matter—which is good—but surgery is most likely in my future. I am still taking pain pills daily, and still notice the weakness and numbness to the arm and shoulder. I am worried about my Atlanta job. I am returning to the hospital which is more physical work than I have been doing recently. I honestly don’t know if I am able to do that work with the pain that I have currently. This scares me because I will be at a new job with no sick time built up and not yet eligible for short term disability. I am trying so hard to take it one day at a time and not imagine what might happen, but it is so difficult. I know I will be okay no matter what. My father has made it clear that I am welcome to stay at his condo as long as I wish. My sister is also very supportive, but I hate to have to ask for help. I am hoping for significant improvement over the next couple of weeks, but since that time frame includes a cross country drive with a neurotic dog, I am concerned. Thank god for my friend Catherine who is flying from Atlanta to make the drive with me. She has offered to do all the driving (even before the neck thing), so hopefully that will minimize the stress on my neck for the trip. I was thankful for her offer to come and drive with me from the beginning, but this makes it so much more important that I will have her help.

I suppose I could ramble on for longer, but this is as good a place to stop as any. Hoping that all of you are experiencing a less chaotic slice of life at the moment.

I am finally posting this the day after it was written...from a McDonald's...standing next to the trash can because my computer battery seems to be angry with me. Thankfully, my father has been patient with what I told him would be a 5 minute process.