Blogging From the Airport

Since this airport does not offer free wi-fi, I have no idea how long it has been since I posted. Just that things have been busy and scary and sad and exciting all rolled into one.

I’m at the airport in Houston waiting to get on a flight to my family reunion in Jacksonville, Florida. As is my usual, I am here way too early, but I’d rather wait at the gate than miss my flight due to some traffic or long security lines. I have experienced that “Oh shit, we missed the flight” moment only twice, and I have no need to do it again. Ever.

I am mostly looking forward to the reunion—definitely looking forward to seeing my immediate family and their offspring. The extended family is wonderful, but I know there will be well meaning questions about how I am doing (they are all aware of the impending separation), and I just don’t know if I am up to talking about anything. Last night was terribly sad for me. We went to the girls’ birthday celebration at their mom’s house last night. I think my hubby was surprised that I wanted to go, but I did. It was great to see them all excited about all of their gifts, and their skills of saying thank you” are much improved. However, on the short drive home, tears started rolling down my face. By the time I got inside it was a full fledged sobbing weepfest, and I still hadn’t started packing for my trip. Hubby doesn’t like it when I am upset, and he doesn’t always deal with it very well. Since things are weird between us anyway, we got a little barky with each other. I just am so sad right now. I believe that the decisions that have been made are the right ones, but that certainly doesn’t make them the easy ones. I will see the girls when they visit us Tuesday, and then it is likely that I will never see them again. This breaks my heart. I am still unclear on what exactly they know about what is going on. Hubby has an approach that I don’t really agree with, but I go along with since he is the dad and I am the stepmom. The word divorce hasn’t been said, and I am not even certain that they know that Spencer and I will be leaving next Thursday for good. This makes the goodbye Tuesday even more awkward. I know that there will be ups and downs with this change, and yesterday was certainly one of the downs. Hoping for some ups soon, but I think they will be a while in coming.

Then there is the neck situation. As most of you know, I had a cervical fusion 5 years ago. When I was in Oklahoma for my music festival, I ended up in the ER with severe pain and numbness—I had an MRI which shows significant degenerative changes which will be progressive at the level above my previous surgery. The surgeon said it is nothing that has to be addressed in an urgent matter—which is good—but surgery is most likely in my future. I am still taking pain pills daily, and still notice the weakness and numbness to the arm and shoulder. I am worried about my Atlanta job. I am returning to the hospital which is more physical work than I have been doing recently. I honestly don’t know if I am able to do that work with the pain that I have currently. This scares me because I will be at a new job with no sick time built up and not yet eligible for short term disability. I am trying so hard to take it one day at a time and not imagine what might happen, but it is so difficult. I know I will be okay no matter what. My father has made it clear that I am welcome to stay at his condo as long as I wish. My sister is also very supportive, but I hate to have to ask for help. I am hoping for significant improvement over the next couple of weeks, but since that time frame includes a cross country drive with a neurotic dog, I am concerned. Thank god for my friend Catherine who is flying from Atlanta to make the drive with me. She has offered to do all the driving (even before the neck thing), so hopefully that will minimize the stress on my neck for the trip. I was thankful for her offer to come and drive with me from the beginning, but this makes it so much more important that I will have her help.

I suppose I could ramble on for longer, but this is as good a place to stop as any. Hoping that all of you are experiencing a less chaotic slice of life at the moment.

I am finally posting this the day after it was written...from a McDonald's...standing next to the trash can because my computer battery seems to be angry with me. Thankfully, my father has been patient with what I told him would be a 5 minute process.