Once more at this place

At least two people have emailed me asking for the new site url. Both were on the list of folks I thought I had already given it to. (Yes, I ended the sentence with a preposition.) So, if you are interested and didn't get it, please do ask. It was probably user error on my part and not that I don't want to see you there.

The new digs are set up

I have moved the blog to a new url, and I do not plan on redirecting from here. Since My husband and i are separated, a little distance felt right. I emailed all 5 of you the url, but if you want it and didn't get it please shoot me an email from the address you want me to send it to. (I'm sure the english major sis would have a field day with that sentence.) I seem to be incapable of extracting your emails from a comment.

Take care, all, and see you at the new place.

House cleaning

I am among the world's worst bloggers. I think I need to blog more often just because, and that it will be good for me as I muddle through the changes in front of me.

However, I think I am going to move sites again. I will email the 4 of you who I think would like to know where I am going, but please leave a comment if you would like to be included. My husband knows I am moving, and he understands that I need a bit of separation. I have zero intention of writing anything negative about him, but disengaging a bit feels right to me.

One more thing--I have been using bloglines to keep up with the blogs I try hard to read. However, they are going away November 1. Any other sites you guys are happy with??

Thanks for all the support--here and elsewhere. Life goes on, and so will I.

***Updated***Throught the joy of echo comments, this redhead seems unable to an extricate an email address. Please send me yours to mmk262 (at) hotmail (dot) com (Julia, this means you.)

A Little Juju

Please send some prayers, good thought, positive vibes (whichever is your style) to Houston. The girls' mom was life flighted to a trauma center after a fall from a second floor balcony. Last update was only that she was intubated with "about ten doctors working on her." The twins and their stepsister are with my husband as their stepfather and grandmother are at the hospital. I feel terribly guilty not to be there with them as this unfolds. Just shows how we must treasure every day and not take anything for granted. Thanks in advance.

***Update***The news is fairly good so far (given the situation). She has multiple facial fractures and some bleeding on the brain. They will repeat the CT scan and reassess the bleeding tonight to determine if surgery is needed. The girls and Bill are all hanging in there.

Life With Poppa

This past week hasn't really been much fun. I am stresed out, tired, and feeling overwhelmed. I got myself put on blood pressure meds and I survived orientation (barely). I haven't blogged because I don't want to whine. The choices I have made are mine to deal with--and deal with them I will. Many thanks for support here and elsewhere-it truly means so much.

I thought I'd blog on something a bit lighter--moving back in with my father at the age of 45. I moved out of Mother's house 6 months after I graduated from nursing school--23 years ago. It is a bit weird being back with Poppa. I do not mean for any of this to be a complaint--my father has generously offered that I can stay as long as I wish--rent free. I am thankful for this gift. It does come with some amusing side effects, however.

When my aunt and uncle visited last week, my dad slept on the other twin bed in "my" room to give them his room. He left before I did that morning, and then called me to make sure I didn't fall back asleep. I was humored by this. I have been responsible for getting myself to work for many years, but 3 days back with him--he is checking up.

My father hasn't had a pet since he and Mother divorced when I was 8. The way he interacts with Percy and Spencer is highly entertaining--at least to him. He talks/yells at them in a regular voice--not a pet voice. When he found Spencer on his bed--he played the trumpet to make Spencer get off. When I was irritating my father (in a nice way), he took it out on Spencer--by turning the TV up as loud as possible and then going between mute and blast many times. (Spencer was in front of the TV at the time, just minding his own business.)

I asked him if the dishes in the dishwasher were clean or dirty. I didn't get a real answer. His "system" is that he never empties the dishwasher. He uses the dishes from the dishwasher and lets the dirties pile up in the sink. Then he adds those dirty ones to the clean ones and immediately runs it to clean them all.

He was out of town last week, and he texted me at 4am to tell me that Percy had just woken him up. He insists on c alling Percy "he" and "him" because "Percy is a guy's name."

It certainly seems that there are more stories that I sm forgetting at the moment. I wish that someone on FB hadn't already started the page "Shit my dad says."

Struggling

I am really struggling right now. I have made it safely "home." I am starting my new (old) job tomorrow. I was so certain that I made not just the right decision, but the only decision that made sense. I'm still not sleeping well, and I have a mouth full of ulcers that are causing significant pain. My neck seems to be better, thank goodness. I'm just really, really sad and doubting myself. I miss my husband. I miss the girls. I know this is going to take time, and I know it is hard to be positive when I am feeling such physical pain. I just feel really miserable right now. I'm hanging in there, but it really sucks. Here's hoping for a really good week.

The Week

This week is going to be tough. Tomorrow is the last day that I will see the girls. I will try so hard not to break down with them, but it is going to be so hard for me. Wednesday will be the goodbyes at work. Thursday will be the day I drive down the road towards Atlanta. I am so unbelievably sad. I am leaving a man I love very much, and frankly, it stinks. I have tons of support--both near and far, but nobody can take away the parts I have to deal with myself. I know I am strong enough to do this, but I so much wish I didn't have to do it at all.

Blogging From the Airport

Since this airport does not offer free wi-fi, I have no idea how long it has been since I posted. Just that things have been busy and scary and sad and exciting all rolled into one.

I’m at the airport in Houston waiting to get on a flight to my family reunion in Jacksonville, Florida. As is my usual, I am here way too early, but I’d rather wait at the gate than miss my flight due to some traffic or long security lines. I have experienced that “Oh shit, we missed the flight” moment only twice, and I have no need to do it again. Ever.

I am mostly looking forward to the reunion—definitely looking forward to seeing my immediate family and their offspring. The extended family is wonderful, but I know there will be well meaning questions about how I am doing (they are all aware of the impending separation), and I just don’t know if I am up to talking about anything. Last night was terribly sad for me. We went to the girls’ birthday celebration at their mom’s house last night. I think my hubby was surprised that I wanted to go, but I did. It was great to see them all excited about all of their gifts, and their skills of saying thank you” are much improved. However, on the short drive home, tears started rolling down my face. By the time I got inside it was a full fledged sobbing weepfest, and I still hadn’t started packing for my trip. Hubby doesn’t like it when I am upset, and he doesn’t always deal with it very well. Since things are weird between us anyway, we got a little barky with each other. I just am so sad right now. I believe that the decisions that have been made are the right ones, but that certainly doesn’t make them the easy ones. I will see the girls when they visit us Tuesday, and then it is likely that I will never see them again. This breaks my heart. I am still unclear on what exactly they know about what is going on. Hubby has an approach that I don’t really agree with, but I go along with since he is the dad and I am the stepmom. The word divorce hasn’t been said, and I am not even certain that they know that Spencer and I will be leaving next Thursday for good. This makes the goodbye Tuesday even more awkward. I know that there will be ups and downs with this change, and yesterday was certainly one of the downs. Hoping for some ups soon, but I think they will be a while in coming.

Then there is the neck situation. As most of you know, I had a cervical fusion 5 years ago. When I was in Oklahoma for my music festival, I ended up in the ER with severe pain and numbness—I had an MRI which shows significant degenerative changes which will be progressive at the level above my previous surgery. The surgeon said it is nothing that has to be addressed in an urgent matter—which is good—but surgery is most likely in my future. I am still taking pain pills daily, and still notice the weakness and numbness to the arm and shoulder. I am worried about my Atlanta job. I am returning to the hospital which is more physical work than I have been doing recently. I honestly don’t know if I am able to do that work with the pain that I have currently. This scares me because I will be at a new job with no sick time built up and not yet eligible for short term disability. I am trying so hard to take it one day at a time and not imagine what might happen, but it is so difficult. I know I will be okay no matter what. My father has made it clear that I am welcome to stay at his condo as long as I wish. My sister is also very supportive, but I hate to have to ask for help. I am hoping for significant improvement over the next couple of weeks, but since that time frame includes a cross country drive with a neurotic dog, I am concerned. Thank god for my friend Catherine who is flying from Atlanta to make the drive with me. She has offered to do all the driving (even before the neck thing), so hopefully that will minimize the stress on my neck for the trip. I was thankful for her offer to come and drive with me from the beginning, but this makes it so much more important that I will have her help.

I suppose I could ramble on for longer, but this is as good a place to stop as any. Hoping that all of you are experiencing a less chaotic slice of life at the moment.

I am finally posting this the day after it was written...from a McDonald's...standing next to the trash can because my computer battery seems to be angry with me. Thankfully, my father has been patient with what I told him would be a 5 minute process.

Glum

I hate to keep complaining, but suffice it to say that the Georgia Board of Nursing is not my favorite place right now. After telling me that the wait time for my license would be 5 weeks (which seemed extremely long), today I learned that the 5 weeks starts AFTER they load my application into the system--now WHEN they receive my application. They have now had my application for 2 weeks and it is not yet loaded. They can't really tell me when they might load it into the system--they are after all a bureauracracy.

So, all the plans I made (knowing they were tentative) based on the 5 weeks theory are now out the window. My dad will still come next weekend with the truck. My stuff will go into storage in Atlanta. I will leave this job when I get my Georgia license, and I will start the new job about 5 days later than that. My friend from Atlanta will still come to accompany Spencer and me on the long drive.

However, I hate being so much at the mercy of other people who don't seem to give a shit. I am the kind of person who likes to make a decision and then move on said decision. I am fearful that the longer we are forced to share a house, the more potential for less congenial interactions there is. I am kind of sucking right now.

However, I am ready for the truck way ahead of schedule, and that is still a good thing.

I'm ready for the truck....

....and it doesn't arrive until July 2. That is all.

Don't even know what to say

When I woke up yesterday, I was immobilized. There was so much to do, and I had no idea where to start. So, instead of working on the house I filled out the 20 or so page history that my counsellor had given me to comlete. Somehow that made me feel like I was making progress, even though not on the real things that needed progress.

I went through the closet and the shoes--my god, the shoes. For someone who doesn't consider herself a shoe person--there was one boatload of shoes! I culled out some more clothes that can go to storage, and I freaked out a bit.

Then my friend, Sedney came to the rescue. I had told her we would pack the kitchen, and she got right down to business. I handed her stuff and she wrapped and boxed it. Besides the inherent emotional issues, I was faced with my mother's china, my grandmother's stemware, my stepmother's china. All bringing up memories and sadness that these women are no longer here in my life. Sedney didn't let me slow down--but not in a workhorse kind of way. She was the perfect person to keep me going and I am ever so grateful.

Today I will finishe the dining room, clean out the linen closet, and I think I will then be ready for the truck to arrive July 4th weekend. I can hardly believe I am saying that--but it is true.

Sorry for the boring moving updates, better blogging topics soon, I promise!

Progress and panic

I returned from Atlanta Monday night--feeling good about the interview, seeing my family, etc. Things at home are strained at times, but really about as good as one could expect them to be. There remains no nastiness, fighting, or blaming. For this I am very grateful.

Tuesday was a simply horrid day. I was tired from the trip, and I guess a bit intimidated by actually having a date instead of just a plan. Work was an evil bitch, and I really thought I might have a panic attack. More than once I had to talk myself out of just running to my boss' office and telling her I had to go home. However, I did make it through the day. As a result, I have given myself permission to take my anxiety meds each morning instead of on the as needed basis I had weaned myself to. Seemed like an appropriate idea.

I found out that my insurance ends at current job midnight of my last day worked. However, my new job has a waiting period that makes me uninsured for approx 2 months. Cobra is a $515 per month option, and my husband's work is gonna charge $400 per month plus some hassles to get me on and off. This was part of my freak out Tuesday. However, I know something will work out, because it just has to.

My father will fly here and drive a truck of nearly all my worldly belongings to Atlanta July 4th weekend. Once the house is nearly empty--we will start with the repairs, minor painting, etc. to get it ready to be sold. Given the ecomony, we will take a bit of a hit--but again, life goes on. So, unless the Georgia Board of Nursing decides to screw around with issuing my license, my last day at work will be August 4. A very good friend will fly to Houston to drive back to Atlanta with me the 5th and 6th. (I said she was a really good friend.) We will have Spencer the neurotic dog in the back seat of the car, so it promises to be a challenge. I am so thankful not to be doing it alone.

I start my new job in Atlanta on August 9, and my husband will stay here in the stripped down house until it sells. After that we will figure out how best to separate our finances (which at that point will be mostly debt) and the next phase of my life can go on.

I am excited. I am terrified. I am extremely sad. I am confident. Wish me luck.

Weekend Update

I flew into Atlanta last night with Percy the cat as my carry on. She verbalized her unhappiness a bit, but did not resort to utter yowling, which made me happy. However, if she had I was gonna put the earphones in and ignore her, just like I have ignored many a crying child in my flying career.

My Poppa and my sister met me at the top of the escalator--he holding a balloon that read "Happy Birthday Princess." It was well past 1lPm at that point, and we were all tired. That didn't keep us from visiting until 2AM despite my having worked a full--and might I mention insane--day at work.

I woke up at 7:30 for some unknown reason, and didn't to sleep. Percy made herself quite at home quickly. No hiding under the furniture like she usually will do at the start of a move. We did run into a bit of a glitch when I realized that my father (who has no pets) had purchased dog food for her instead of cat food. No biggie--Spencer and I will be here soon enough.

My sister and I took off to get my fingerprints taken for the background check for my GA nursing license. The woman said that it generally takes about 48 working hours for the results to be reported to the requesting agency. Given that I sent everything else in UPS 2 day mail on Thursday (signature required, thank you), I see no good reason why it should take the full five weeks for processing. Maybe they just say that so you won't bug them sooner.

Then it was off for a mani/pedi with my sister and a very dear friend I haven't seen in almost 2 years. Lunch at one of my favorite restaurants, a bit of shopping, and we called it a day. My lack of sleep is catching up with me, and I swear I would have gone to bed at 7:30 if I had thought I could stay asleep all night.

A bit of baseball on the television, and soon to the bath and bedtime for me. Hopefully, I will sleep a little later tomorrow. Tomorrow we have the niece and the nephew for lunch, and not much else in the way of plans.

Monday is the busy, crazy day of work-related things. My old boss pulled some strings, and I am scheduled for my HR interview (required but not a deal), my pre-employment physical (not usually given until after background checks and official offer letter), and then I meet with my old bosses and we figure out what they are going to do with me. It's a bit iffy at this point, given that I don't really know a definite availability date, but we are bound to work something out.

This means I'd better get my packing shoes on when I get back to Houston. Maybe, just maybe, I can be in Atlanta to stay before August rolls around. We shall see.
Happy rest of the weekend to all. Hope you are having as much fun as I am!

Pity party for one...

No, not about the impending separation,things seem to be going as smoothly as possible there. Nor is it really about the death of my friend, Becky. It is over the fact tht sleep eludes me for the third night in a row and I find this very boring (and tiresome, for that matter). I have drugs for this, but they are just not working. Maybe I can find a forensic files marathon to put me to sleep again. See you later in the morning--hopefully much later with a brighter outlook.

More sadness

We lost a good friend late last night after a short battle with lung cancer. Becky wasn't someone I saw more than once or twice a year. We didn't even talk or email often, but I met her online first, then at many music events after that. Four days after "meeting" her in person, I missed my flight home to Atlanta from the festival we had all attended. I called her for suggestions on a hotel to stay until I could make the next morning's flight. She insisted on driving the 30 or so miles and taking me back to her home where I ate the first home cooked meal in days. Though she and her husband had to work the next day, they refused to let me call a cab--driving me back to catch my very early morning flight.

I will miss her beautiful smile, her absolute graciousness in every situation, and her positive spirit. I am better for having known her.

Too Much Information

It's never a perfect day when your undies end up in the trash can. Just sayin'.

Moving Along

Things are happening, but everything is going to take time. It is going to take me 5 weeks to get my Georgia license back once they have all the paperwork they need. I have sent letters to my last three employers including a form that has to be filled out and put into a sealed envelope. Hopefully, they will be speedy about completing them. Then I have to have fingerprints made in Georgia which can't happen until June 14th. That by itself will keep me here in Houston until late July or early August. I went ahead and told my boss and co-workers that I will be moving. With having to send the form to HR, I didn't want my boss to find out through them.

I have packed up most of my closet including the dress I got married in. That part wasn't too easy. We have told the girls, and they seem to be handling it okay--at least for now. The realtor recommends that we sell the house empty, so that will take longer to get it on the market.

Things at home are okay. Some strained moments, but overall we are communicating well and figuring out what needs to happen when. It is just so confusing--storage here or go ahead and drive a truck to Atlanta? Too many questions to which I have no answers. Trying to live my way through them and not get too bogged down.

I hae decided to go ahead and see a therapist here who has been recommended. If I will be here nearly 2 months, I don't think it makes sense to wait until I go back to Atlanta.

We have begun telling friends, and everyone is supportive and not judgemental. I have one friendin particular who I haven't told yet (she is on vacation). I dread telling her because she has always been our cheerleader telling us we can work this out. I feel like she will be the most disappointed by the news.

So, trying to take it one step at as time...trying not to get overwhelmed by it all...hanging in there.

Hard to Write

But it was even harder to say. I am moving back to Atlanta. Without my husband. We have discussed this possibility many times, and it is now time to do it. I never thought it would come to this. When I gave up everything in Atlanta to marry him and move here, I was fearless. I just knew that we loved each other enough to make it work.

The reality has been so difficult. I don't like Houston, and I can't stand being away from my family in Atlanta. I have been miserable, and I have made him miserable. Our relationship has suffered terribly as a result.

We both still love each other, but it seems we are past the point of repair. I don't know when I will be going back. I have to figure out what it will take to get my Georgia nursing license reinstated, and then go from there. My dad has generously said that I can stay with him as long as I need, but I don't want to need it for long. Adding a dog and a cat to his 2 bedroom condo doesn't seem quite fair.

I am incredibly sad, but also feel a sense of relief. It has been difficult for me to admit that I have failed. This is the first big thing in my life I have ever failed at--and it is a tough one. However, I know that I can be happier and so can he. We are being incredibly civil and supportive of each other. We will make this transition work as easily as is possible. I know everything will be okay. It just sucks right now.

Hanging in there

Well, the first two days of the group therapy have gone well. The most productive for me was Psychodrama--a group where they focus on one person for an hour and a half. I volunteered, and I was chosen. Let's just say it was one of the most intense therapy sessions, and I have had more than a couple. The job thing finally worked out so I will be able to go for the first three days of next week.

Today I still lounged around a bit more than they would like a depressed person to do, but less than the previous weekends. I made myself get out of the house to take Spencer to the dog park, and I actually spoke to a couple of people who seem to go there regularly. With Sweetheart working on Saturdays, I may make a habit of the dog park just to get out of the habit of lazing around. Plus it is good for Spencer to see how many trees he can pee on in the space of an hour.

Tomorrow includes some football watching and some house cleaning. So, what is everyone else up to? Who are you cheering for in tomorrow's games?

Not really fair to ask...

Since I haven't blogged in ages.....

However, I could use some good vibes, thoughts or prayers, whichever part you lean towards. My depression has been kicking me in the ass lately, and anxiety has reared its ugly head again. I am learning that I don't really have what I need to get a handle on this, no matter how heard I try. I missed work yesterday and today with panic attacks that just wouldn't stop. This is not something that I like, or can afford.

I called my therapist and she suggested an intensive outpatient program for me. I'm scared, nervous, and a little bit hopeful. I don't know how we can afford it, but I also don't know if we can afford not to do it. I have an intake appt at 3PM, so we will see what happens next.

I'll let you know. Also, I'll try to blog a bit more. I think I've been taking a bit too literally when Mother used to say, "If you don't have anything good to say, don't say anything at all." I may bore you to tears with my depression, but it will probably be good for me.